So lately I've had quite a bit of time on my hands.  This has been driving me crazy, I'm used to having a packed schedule and am always busy.  For the past three weeks, I've been jobless which I thought would allow me to get some rest and refocus. Nope. I'm going insane not working. I've always worked or done something to occupy most of my days.  Today I actually sat down and spent some much needed time with God.  Which is what I should have been doing for the past three weeks.  I realized that I've been finding my worth and value in others and their opinions of me.
This is not okay.
Seriously.
I worked at a job for two whole years that was making me so unhappy.  I could have quit and found another job at any point.  I kept saying I would only six months after working there.  I didn't realize it but I stayed because I was good at it and it never changed.  Change terrifies me.  So I stayed at this job until the breaking point which wasn't healthy in any way whatsoever.  I'm starting a new job tomorrow and these past three weeks have been torture, I didn't take time and rest. I worried and built anxiety on not knowing what the next day would hold.  I know now it's because I wasn't working at "pleasing someone" or "meeting someone's expectations."  I have a passion to serve people. Instead of serving others in God's name and bring him honor I was using this passion for my own selfish gain.
This is not okay.
Seriously.
Well, now that God has shown me this I have a mission to serve others with a true servant"s heart.  I'm excited to see what new opportunities to honor God are waiting for me. It scared me not knowing what was next or if I'd be good at it but now it excites me knowing that my God is in control and whatever is next He will receive all the honor.

     I can be such a control freak sometimes. Ok, most of the time. :) Lately my "plans" have been completely turned upside down.  Two years ago I had a totally different picture of what right now would look like.  God had other plans for me. I thought I'd be close to graduating with a degree of some kind, working somewhere I actually enjoy working, have a whole lot more money saved, and even married or at least engaged.  It's funny how God can screw up your "perfect" plan of how your life "should" go. I'm not in school right now, I'm still working at a job I would rather not work at, my bank account is depressing, and I'm single.   Looking back at where I was headed and where I am now, I honestly wouldn't change anything. Nothing.    My God knows exactly what He's doing.  If I kept going down the path I was going, I would be miserable.  I had no idea what I wanted in life. I thought I did, I thought I had it all figured out. I forget how God knows me.  He knew I didn't have a clue...but he still let me think I did. I've learned so much these past two years. I've made so many mistakes and made so many dumb decisions, but God brought me through them all and taught me valuable lessons in each one of them.  I'm so happy.  I haven't been this happy in a long time. The funny thing is, I haven't got a clue what I'm doing or where I'm headed in life. This is exactly where I should be. Totally dependent on God, I'm content in giving him complete control and it's awesome. :)

     I know the week isn't over yet but it seems like it's lasted forever.  It seems like everything that could get thrown at me was thrown.  I've been letting everything get to me and by doing so making myself miserable.  I forget that I serve a mighty God who knows me and my circumstances, I forget that He is always faithful.  I forget that life is unpredictable and never seems fair but my God knows my future and I should take comfort in knowing this...but I forget.  I let life get in the way of using the trials I go through to glorify God.  I may feel stressed, hurt, tired, frustrated, angry or depressed but I can take all these emotions and cry out to God.  Instead I keep them bottled up inside thinking that if I ignore them long enough then they'll just dissappear. This shows how much of a control freak I am.  Letting it go and giving it to God and trusting that It'll all work out for His glory seems too easy for me.  We as sinful humans complicate everything including God's love for us.  His love in unconditional.  Yet we try to tack on stipulations and hoops to jump through that are so wrong.  I was reminded of a verse by a sweet friend last night, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."  The circumstances of our lives as Christians are ordained by God, there is no such thing as chance.  We as humans will not understand the circumstances that we're put in but the Holy Spirit does.  God brings us to places, around certain people for a definited purpose through the Holy Spirit in us.  I just have to trust God.  It's really just that simple.  I may not understand what or why i'm going through some of the things i'm going through but God does and I should find comfort in knowing this. Even though it seems like i'm in a constant battle I know my God wins in the end. 

     So, today was pretty amazing. Me and two other lovely ladies went and gave out homemade roses and Valentine's Day cards to some sweet widows at a nursing home.  Being single on a Romantic Holiday can be depressing but think about women who have lived a long life with the man that they love and then lose him. Think of how painful that would be to spend Valentine's Day thinking about the love of your life that is no longer living.  They were so thankful that we would think of them and take time to make such a simple gift. Not only was I encouraged by loving on these sweet ladies I was also encouraged by the ladies I went with.  I've never really had close girl friends...I have always had guy friends just because girls can be so hard to befriend. I've been praying for a while that God would send me friendships that could grow me and hold me accountable. I'm pretty sure He has answered this prayer. The conversations we had going to and from the nursing home were so good and so encouraging. These girls have helped me in my walk with Christ as well as getting through some rough trials these past few months. I'm so excited to see how God is going to use me and these girls this semester! I have a feeling He will be putting us out of  our comfort zones alot but that's totally cool with me.
     On another note, I hope everyone has a great Valentine's day. Wether you're single or have that special someone. If you're single, take the day to appreciate your singleness and thank God for the person He has waiting for you. If you're in a relationship be thankful you have that person and you should really be treating them special everyday not just Vday. ;)  I'm going to be spending tomorrow with some awesome ladies and thanking God that He's given me such awesome friends.  Happy Valentine's Day! :)